


behind the mask

by imnotanironwall



Series: beyond the moon and our destinies [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Intimacy, M/M, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:07:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25972630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotanironwall/pseuds/imnotanironwall
Summary: the ghost of your past and the warmth of your touch, what lies inside your heart and what it means to be us
Relationships: Saïx/Xigbar (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: beyond the moon and our destinies [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1885099
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	behind the mask

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a direct sequel to [lost key](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20297392), so please read that one before. 
> 
> The song in this fic is "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung.

The sun is long gone when the kisses calm down and Isa manages to take a breath, the reality of the situation slowly sinking in. 

_Xigbar is back. Xigbar is here_. 

“Do you want to eat something?” Isa asks instead to distract himself from the urge to touch and touch _and touch_ , knowing he would drown in the other man’s arms if he allowed himself to. Xigbar only shakes his head, eye trained on Isa as the man moves around the kitchen and opens the fridge to leave the leftovers he had been carrying in his bag. It’s unusually quiet in the small apartment, awfully silent after their boisterous reunion mere moments ago. Isa needs to do something, _anything_ to divert his attention from the man of his dreams (oh, so many dreams) standing behind the kitchen island. 

He turns toward his old phonograph in the living room and grabs the first vinyl he can find without so much as looking at it before placing the disc on the record player. He can feel the stare on his back, heavy and intense, where it hasn’t been felt for so long. It almost makes Isa uneasy, and how odd that is, truly, to feel restless around the man he has longed for. But life happened, _both_ their lives happened. They have grown into different men than who they were when they left each other, in the dust and the sand of the Keyblade Graveyard. Maybe it had been but wishful thinking to believe they could go back to the way they used to be, to their love put on hold. 

A hand on the small of his back brings him down to earth. He can feel the warmth of a body next to his and, instinctively, he leans into the touch, a sigh on his lips. Xigbar smiles when their eyes finally meet, something small and discreet but definitely there in the way his dimples dig into his cheeks. Isa notes there are no wrinkles there, unlike Isa - proof of a life passed without much of a smile; his heart sinks at the thought. “Will you offer me this dance?” his partner asks.

With a huff, Isa turns around and slips his fingers between Xigbar’s, a nod and his next steps following the slow rhythm of the song his only answer -- a satisfactory one, given the pleased glint in his partner’s eye. 

They fall into an easy pace, along with the beat of the music, languid and unhurried. The tempo is slow enough that Isa’s mind spirals into obscure and dangerous thoughts once again. The what-if of a life spent waiting only to realize they had grown apart, that they had been wasting decades for someone that didn’t, _couldn’t_ , meet their needs and expectations anymore. 

**_I've been watching your world from afar_ **

**_I've been trying to be where you are_ **

He knows he shouldn’t let himself think that way. If they were both willing to wait so long to come back to one another, he’s sure they’d be ready to put in the work to make this relationship work. _Oh--_ The thought stops him in his track, distracting and uncontrollable. _What if Xigbar isn’t looking for a relationship_? They haven’t ever discussed the matter, after all.

As if reading his mind, Xigbar tugs on his hand to lead him back into the dance. Isa raises his eyes to the man when he doesn’t immediately comment on Isa’s missed step, so unlike him. The sweet and warm brown eye looking back at him, however, completely eclipses any and all of Isa’s thoughts. “You were always one to overthink every little thing. At least that hasn’t changed.”

“You’ve mellowed out,” Isa blurts out instead of a proper comeback. It isn’t the time to play games anymore, he’d rather be out with the truth. “Am I still the man you need in your life, I wonder.” 

**_And I've been secretly falling apart_ **

**_Unseen_ **

“Moonglade, I never _needed_ a man in my life.” He raises his arm as the words spill from his mouth, daggers into Isa’s skin. With a movement of Xigbar’s wrist that he follows, Isa spins on himself. Before he can complete his twirl, Xigbar brings him back close to his body, his chest against Isa’s back. His hands slide down Isa’s body as their dance comes to a stop, settling on his stomach. 

They both stay quiet as the song reaches its last notes. Xigbar’s presence is warm against Isa, comforting despite the gnawing anxiety, the pain in his chest. He has missed this so much he could cry, he realizes, and he doesn’t want to let him go. However, if that’s what Xigbar desires--

“But you might be the first I want to end it with.”

**_To me, you're strange and you're beautiful_ **

**_You'd be so perfect with me_ **

Time seems to stop as the song dies down, outside an owl hoots as it spies its prey. Against his back, he can feel the rapid heartbeat of the man he cherishes, nervousness overtaking his senses. Isa smiles despite the tears threatening to overflow his eyes at the joy filling him. As he turns around in the arms embracing him, he hears the flapping of wings through the window he had left open in the morning. Xigbar looks at him with worry and fondness in his eye, _so unlike him, so unlike him, and yet,_ Isa thinks, _maybe it has always been who he was_. 

Isa knows he has been caught, and he never, _ever_ wants Xigbar to let him go.

He presses his hand against Xigbar’s cheek, covering the scar marring his face. They stare into each other’s souls for a beat before the words escape Isa’s lips, restless after decades of wonder. “Will you tell me? What lies beneath the bags under your eye and the armor you have so thoroughly built?” 

Their lips meet with tenderness, turn urgent when the wind blows inside the living-room. Their feet are guided by the moon to the adjacent bedroom and they fall on the bed, limbs entangling as they whisper each other’s name with want and need. 

And so Xigbar tells him. 

  
  


Hours that feel like days pass as they rediscover each other, laying on the bed and whispering sweet nothing to one another. Isa tenderly kisses his partner’s cheek as Xigbar tells him everything. He tells him about his father, his comrades ( ~~friends~~ ), who he was and what he did. He tells him why he had to do it. He tells him he doesn’t regret a minute of it, because now he can rest, _at long last_. Not a single detail is left out; even when hands slide farther down than is considered appropriate and tongues busy themselves in kisses. 

Xigbar tells him everything.

  
  
  


“Did you always identify as a man, then?” Isa asks as he slowly slips the coat down Xigbar’s shoulders, fingers dancing against the black undershirt. “Or did you sometimes live as another gender?”

Xigbar lets him undress him without haste, eye trained on Isa’s lips. Any other day, he’d say something along the lines of _you should put that mouth to good use_ , but today he stays quiet, relishes in the voice that murmurs inquiries against his mouth.

“When you’ve lived as long as I have, gender is meaningless. Besides,” he stops to look down at his own body, hand sprawled on his chest where his heart beats. “I always try to live the way the body wants to. Unlike a replica, it isn’t a completely blank slate, it has its own selfish desires. ‘Couldn’t really explain it to you, honestly, I never truly figured it out. The old man wasn’t really one to lay it all on the table for us. He was more of the guess-and-riddles type.” 

Isa hmms, thoughts jumping from topic to topic. He always has difficulty focusing on one task, one thought - or he hyperfocus for so long he loses track of how many hours, _days_ , he has been bent over his work. The coat falls to their feet and Isa pushes Xigbar back on the bed, hand over his. He crawls on his laps and sits there as the man makes himself comfortable, reaching for a pillow or two to prop his head on. “Would you rather be called Luxu, then?”

But Xigbar shakes his head, one arm under the pillow. “Nah. Luxu did what he had to do, now Xigbar gets to live the _rest of his days_ however he likes.”

His free hand glides up Isa’s thigh to rest on his hip, finger creeping under his untucked shirt to reveal skin. His thumb presses against the dip that goes beyond his pants and Xigbar smirks, excited for what’s to come. Eventually. 

Isa’s eyes study his face for a minute before his hand drifts over Xigbar’s undershirt, up to his face. His thumb presses lightly over the eyepatch and ever so carefully grazes the band that holds it in place. “Do you ever take it off, these days?” The leather is worn under his touch, used, and discolored. By the messy glue-job that holds the band together, Isa guesses it must have been cut at some point. He remembers how Xigbar always felt self-conscious about the scar under the eyepatch, it never truly healed as it should have. 

Xigbar momentarily tenses as Isa’s fingers play too close to the edge of the accessory. “Nah. Don’t wanna scare the kids, you know.”

“I would say it’s unlike you to care about such things but--” He trails off, and instead, bends down to kiss the eyepatch. “You should at least get a new one. As much as leather suits you, it might be time for a change of clothes.” 

At that, his other hand grabs the helm of Xigbar’s shirt and pushes it up until it’s all off, leaving in its place only skin to look at and touch, and touch, _and touch_. Isa does just so this time. 

His nails drag against the skin, down and down until they reach Xigbar’s belly button. Shortly after, Isa’s lips follow, trailing kisses down the beaten skin. He pays close attention to the new scars, the ones he didn’t know about, the bruises and the cuts. Some are fresher than others and in some places, the skin has turned a greenish-yellow above brightly red cicatrix. As his kisses descend further and further down, chin hitting Xigbar’s pants and the growing erection underneath, he suddenly stops and sits up. 

“Wait-- Do you need to use the shower first? How long has it been?”

The question hangs between them as they stare at each other, Isa eyes wide, his eyebrow raised in inquiry, and Xigbar in stunned silence. Then, he barks a laugh, loud and clear, his chest moving with the motion as it takes over his entire body. If Isa wasn’t genuinely focused on the answer, he’d let his thoughts overtake him -- about pristine white teeth and smoky voice, long hair now more grey than black, decades of wants unfulfilled.

Xigbar raises a hand to his eye, wiping the tears that have started streaming down his face. When he eventually composes himself, the smile he gives Isa is malicious. 

“Moongleam,” he starts, his hand reaching for Isa’s wrist. “I am _hurt_ you even considered I didn’t clean up good for you.” With a swift movement, he tugs on Isa’s arm and tilts his hips to the side to reverse their position. His other hand quickly finds Isa’s second wrist and pins them both above his head. With a smirk, he adds, “Do you **know** how much it took for me to not ravish you against the front door?”

Isa has barely opened his mouth to retort, _something, anything_ , that Xigbar’s lips are on his. There’s no strength to his grip, Isa quickly realizes as one of Xigbar’s hands slides down his arm and down his ribs until he reaches Isa’s shirt; however, the position is so familiar he doesn’t break it. Rather, he revels in it, kissing Xigbar with all the wants of a starving man. 

Xigbar is in the process of removing Isa’s shirt when he stops just above his chest. He lifts his head to properly take a look at his torso, eye wide. “I didn’t know you went ahead with the surgery.”

“Ah.” Isa looks to the side momentarily, a blush creeping down his cheeks. Xigbar quickly catches up on the embarrassment and resumes his previous action, completely discarding Isa’s shirt. 

“Do you feel anything or should I move on?” 

Isa breathes in, closing his eyes for a moment as a smile threatens to split his face. For the act he always liked to put on before everyone else, Xigbar had always been careful and attentive when it came down to intimacy. It warms Isa’s heart to see this has not changed throughout the years. 

“It’s been about fifteen years. I _have_ recovered most sensations. You can go ahead.” 

Taking this as his cue, his usual smirk makes his appearance once more. “Well, you’re not gonna tell me twice.” 

In seconds, Xigbar is back all over Isa, hands roaming his sides as his mouth press kisses against the newly-discovered scars. Isa grabs a pillow and immediately relaxes into it, body going slack as Xigbar’s lips wrap around a nipple and his tongue flicks over the sensitive skin. 

Isa sighs as pleasure pools inside the pit of his stomach. He has not gone without the touch of another for the two decades they have been apart, _but_ there is a special feeling that goes along with the touch of a treasured lover. _How he has missed this_.

Hands trails down his body to his pants and the sound of his belt being unbuckled reaches his ears before he feels the buttons being popped open. Xigbar’s lips do not leave his chest as Isa raises his hips to allow for the garment to slip past his legs and fall to the ground. Shortly after, the sensual and intoxicating touches abandon his body, leaving in their wake but the ghost of a feeling he runs after. 

Xigbar slides off the bed and gets up, eye still trained on Isa as the man unbuttons his own pants and kicks them off. “Enjoying the view?” Xigbar teases. 

“Mhm,” Isa props himself up on his elbows as Xigbar does a quick spin before slowly crawling back toward Isa, a glint in his gaze the man knows too well. When their lips are but an inch away, and Xigbar’s breath caresses Isa’s skin, he smiles. “You _did_ age.”

Xigbar freezes, eye widening at the words. The next moment, his head falls into the crook of Isa’s neck as laughter overtakes him. “Spare me,” he pleads, half-joking. His shoulders shake as the fit of the giggles dies down. 

“I never said it was a bad thing.”

“Oh please,” Xigbar lifts his head and pushes Isa back onto his back fully. His eye shines with unshed tears -- _of_ ** _joy_** because **_I_** _made him laugh_ , Isa reminds himself. “We both know what you meant.”

It’s Isa’s turn to chuckle, something light and reserved. In the past, he would have brought his hand to his face, ashamed of his own expression; but now, at this moment, with _this_ person, he wants to lay himself bare and be seen for what he is. The beautiful and the ugly, all of him. 

After a bit, he shakes his head, his lips settling in an easy smile. When he meets Xigbar’s gaze, he finds so much tenderness and love in his eye his heart swells. He is sure his own expression mirrors it. “But it _is_ not a bad thing,” he says as his fingers brush along the scar that mars Xigbar’s face. “It just means there’s more for me to discover, to see what changed and what didn’t, to learn of the new battle-wounds and of the old ones. 

“It means there’s still time for me to age with you,” he whispers, hands cupping Xigbar’s reddening cheeks. 

Stunned into silence, Xigbar avoids Isa’s gaze as his face turns a deeper shade of red. Xigbar doesn’t blush, he is not the type to. He needs _a lot_ to get flustered. Yet, Isa’s words strike him in the heart like Cupid’s arrow and he feels himself fall in love all over again. He breathes in as he tries to contain all his repressed feelings for the past decades -- hell, they date back from much before; he has _millennia_ of suppressed emotions. 

However, the feelings overtake all his senses and he feels suddenly so lost, unused to losing control. He buries his face in Isa’s neck before the man can see the gleam in his eye.

“Xigbar?” Isa asks, soft and uncertain. He can sense worry in the pitch of his voice.

Xigbar shakes his head, nose rubbing against Isa’s shoulder. “Give me a moment, Moonglade.”

So Isa lets him. Instead, he courses his fingers through long gray hair, longer than he remembers, he realizes as the band that holds it all in a ponytail snaps under his touch. His nails graze against Xigbar’s nape as the man takes long deep breaths. Isa can feel Xigbar’s heart pounding, so fast he would have thought he had just run a marathon if he didn’t know better.

He can’t say he knows what it feels like, to be alive and _alone_ for so long. But he remembers how Xigbar bent under his touch, back in the Organisation, whenever he decided to go slow, to be gentle. And he knows, in a way, what it feels like to be chained to something out of one’s control, to obey orders that sometimes go against one’s will. 

Isa’s gaze wanders to the window, to the moon peeking between the clouds. He knows too well what it feels like to have his heart locked away and to suppress any emotion that could undermine the operation, and then damage one’s mental health. Because it hurts, to love. It hurts so much it’s overwhelming and it feels like drowning. And there’s no one to save you because _you_ decided to go for a swim where no one was around, so people wouldn’t look at your pain and your longing. 

But the pain subsides, eventually. And someone takes your hand and air fills your lungs. And when you open your eyes, it’s like a whole new world, because loneliness and guilt and unrequited yearning were crushed by the feeling of fingers against your cheek, of a kiss against your temple, of arms around you. 

Isa starts humming, as his thoughts stray, the song from earlier coming back to mind. It rapidly turns into singing.

“ _I know that waiting is all you can do, sometimes_.” 

Xigbar shifts. Not looking up but listening carefully. Isa closes his eyes, words spilling out of his mouth like no tomorrow. Yet, his voice remains but almost a whisper.

“ _I'll put a spell on you. You fall asleep._ ”

His hands travel down to settle on Xigbar’s waist as he feels the man moving, fingers slowly tapping against his skin along with Isa’s words.

“ _When I put a spell on you..._

“ _And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see_ ,” Xigbar joins in as he lifts his head, voice raspy and rough. The corner of his eye is slightly wet, but Isa doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he smiles, tender and loving. Xigbar smiles back before leaning in and _finally_ pressing his mouth against Isa’s. 

It’s chaste, only the touch of lips against lips, soft but chapped by the time. Hands travel to his cheeks and he moans, encouraging the motion and asking for more, more, _more_. Xigbar indulges him immediately, parting his lips and deepening the kiss. 

In seconds, gentle touches turn heated and needy, tugging hair and biting skin, fingers scratching shoulders, and pulling at the remaining clothes in the way. They roll on their sides until Isa straddles Xigbar, hips moving against his with want and arousal. They sigh into each other’s mouth and kiss with no end, hands roaming bodies and touching, touching, touching. 

They whisper their affection between laughs and moans, bodies entangling until they are but one, once again, _at long last_. And they love each other deep into the night until their bodies are spent and the sun caresses their skins and they lay bare, nothing left unsaid between them. 

They fall asleep embracing one another, long grey and black hair shielding two peaceful bodies from the light pouring through the window until they open their eyes and the first thing they see is one another. 

**_And you'll realize that you love me_ **

_This morning and forever after._

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LOST KEY, exactly one year since I wrote and posted it and I've cherished it so much since then. It deserved a great sequel. Kait and Ari deserved to have a great sequel too after all their continuous support, thank you so much you two <3  
> Also, thank you very much to Illia for beta-reading this fic, I'm so grateful for your help, I don't know what I'd do without you!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/imnotanironwall)


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